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Location: Colorado, United States

I've found a place to be, here in Colorado. I am enjoying what comes my way while raising my children and writing my head off in this crazy, chaotic life.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Morphine

I think it's safe to assume that morphine is the last drug.

Once you are on morphine, it's just to tide you over until your body finally gives up.

My mom came home from the hospital Wednesday and went in again last night. She's home again, and has a doctor appointment on Tuesday.

Now both her legs are swollen, and she has two blood clots, and the only pain medicine that will work is morphine, which she takes a bit of every few hours. She uses a wheelchair when they leave the house, but they don't usually leave the house except for doctor's appointments and hospital trips.

My dad is thinking that now the doctor will start talking hospice care rather than pallative care. Both are often done in home. She's on pallative care now, but there was always the understanding that it would go to hospice.

She was feeling fine before Easter. By Mother's Day, she was much worse, when I saw her. Now, her body seems to be aggressively seeking to shut down.

I know I will never see her again. That was what Mother's Day was for. We all knew that.

Some people walk out the door with a 'see you next week' and then lose that person. I knew I would never see her again.

Our relationship is such that we were able to just 'be' together. We've always had a close, great relationship, only marred by the fact we were often so far apart.

Still,

She doesn't have much time left, and the time she has, is full of pain.

And I still haven't really stopped to think how I actually feel about it, because it's not so much about me, as it is her.

She still calls me. I still call her. Even if she's on a lot of medication she makes the effort to call, and I'll listen.

Ah. Well.

What is there to do.

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